Life is not always sweet

As I sit in an airplane seat flying towards home, I am saddened that I hadnt taken the time to say “I love you” once more… instead I did the “See you in a few days. You are a fighter. You’ll get through this.”

The reality… I cant change promises and I should havenfollowed my gut and backed out of a work event… but I didn’t, I can’t change it. I wasn’t there….

So, my story is the same as millions of others… but it’s fresh, it’s mine and I get to decide if I have finished…

Things I know…

• My husband was crying – He is not an emotional man, but he was crying because reality has hit.
• My children have to learn loss… this is the worst because we had been prepared to tackle this and now… now I don’t really know quite yet what I am walking into…
• I may never have gotten a chance to have her hear I love you and thank you for letting me share your life when I married your son.

Don’t let depression sink you to a place that no one matters… despite depression there were MANY other issues and honestly for her, if she is gone by the time we land… I can still be there for my husband, my children and my sister-in-law & her family…. Means weeks to clear her house out and most importantly to figure out how to help my children and husband function.

Yes, I regret ill feelings and the fact that I felt them. Yes, I know people know how I feel and know I need time, space, and support too.

Often we take our loved ones for granted… we want others approval… we want space… we want…

Give that person extra time, love and even that kiss you dread when you leave. But instead… show love, show compassion and do those “dreaded” things because sometimes, sometimes… you will cry for that to be the reality.

Growing up…

When we are young, we seem to rush the clock… let’s get our license, let’s graduate high school, let’s move out on our own and then… as we enter our adulthood we wonder why the clock doesn’t slow down.

Today, I have a Junior, a 7th grader and a 6th grader. We also have our conference with our Kindergarten teacher. That means I have 2 left home.

As a mom, I’m excited for them. As a mom, I’m sad for me. You see they are growing, having the same rush through time stages and soon it will be saying “Congratulations Graduate” and Leo moving on to his next chapter.

I feel lonely already. I’m trying to make memories with all my children so if something happens they have them to lean back on and take with them. Maybe a tradition they will carry on with.

Depressing that I have missed a bunch of fun things in their lives however I have time and moving forward will be making memories even more now.

Leo, True, Moose, She-ra, Boog, and Goob… I love you so much!!!

Stressed and depressed

Financially strapped, many missed days of work… I hate being sick, hate asking for help… and well, I try to take care of my kiddos as best as I can… sucks when others assume I waste funds and spend frivolously…

I shop for things we like and enjoy; I shop thrift stores and consignment shops; I look at ads for deals; price compare between stores; I try to buy the BOGO items we use…

Yet friends and family seem to think we dont do these things. They think we whine all the time. With first suggestions always you need to a new state…

2018 has been horrible for us and others we know who have it worse.

In an attempt to stay home with the girls, I’m selling Thirty-one Gifts… yet the “It’s too expensive” is the most common answer I get when I ask people if they are interested. Especially from family, it hurts. (link if interested is: Summer’s bags and bling)

I take surveys for a buck or two here and there. I use Ibotta to earn cash back on purchases (I have shared my code so we can be a team, https://ibotta.com/r/kmbkplv ). I even have a decal on my vehicle to generate income… guess what, no hits in the month Ive had it on my vehicle.

Jason & I go without so that the kids can have things. I fill out financial assistance and 95% of the time we make too much… seriously a family of 8. Our last real date was paid for by our 16 year old… our relationship does its thing with stress like everyone else. But I’m not saying we as a couple aren’t immune to issues.

We have had family member in the 🏥 on and off for about a month, combined visits, since May. We have had our share of issues healthwise…. concussion protocol, broken pinkie, broken elbow, dislocated elbow, colds, fevers, anger outbursts, scrape, cuts, stubbed toes, torn rotator cuff, reinjured rotator cuff, sprained ankles… so you can imagine those bills piling up too.

Why am I venting about this? Because, we are human. We have problems. We want to solve them.

Sometimes it feels lonely, sometimes its depressing, but it’s always about FAMILY.

Family is what you make it, we have family we have adopted… the ones that bring that cup of sugar over when you run out and need some, the ones that offer their words from the other side of the country, the ones who just show up to help… Family doesn’t have to be blood, that’s what being a Navy Brat taught me.

What about you? Do you have those feelings too??

Being overlooked…

Again this week, I’m dealing with a lot… Mother in law was hospitalized twice in less than 10 days and discharged yesterday. I have a kid with a loose tooth (or two, one was smacked by a plastic teeter totter), a kid goofing off in a shopping cart and fell out… that’s just a small point.

Today. I was able to be at work all day and met with my bos. We were discussing her maternity leave and she said that her supers wanted to have a temporary fillin Program Manager however she was wanting to give it to another person in our office because “Your hours are being cut next month due to your child care situation” and “She will take over signing contracts & you will just be doing your job.”

First, I am an pissed that I have been looked over 3, yes THREE, times for a program manager

Second, I’m stagnant where I am because no growth opportunity. This is something I bring up yearly at my review and yet every year there are things taken from me.

Third, if I am not growing in anyway but round, why stay? Other than I need the money for bills and I do like tasks I have… but really I keep being cut on hours, tasks, and guess what… they have taken away my favorite tasks…

So I’m reflecting on this and wonder… does this one company deserve me more than my own children? Little Goob is not a happy girl tonight and well, this… this is how we stop crying at midnight…

Real Life Saga…

Starting a fund … It’s called “Get me out of debt”

How can you help?

Let me know you want to help & Ill send you a random bill to pay for me. I’ll keep the little ones and pay them but you know those $500 medical bills and $800 utility bill can be yours to help me get out of debt…

You in?

Well, that seems smarter to me than a gofund me as you know where the your money is being used, exactly how much and know I’m being legit with it.

Then I can be debt-free, stay home with my kiddos, and sell my Thirty-one bags & such.

Because in the end, it will me that

It’s late…

A downer with depression is the other things that come with it like insomnia, exhaustion, that devil on your left shoulder and angel on the right… you know what I mean?

I can go to sleep and rest but then the little devil says, “But there is laundry to wash.” It tries to guilt me into losing sleep by reminding me what I need to get done. “Mt. Washmore ain’t gonna wash itself ya know!” Well, someone else can grab that… TOMORROW! Better yet, I could do that in the morning if I remember to.

Tonight, I’m choosing REST because I know my body, mind & soul need it. Good night & Godspeed!!

I know I have done right…

Last night I got a surprise. My amazing 16 year old paid for my hubs and I to go out to dinner at one of the local higher class establishments.

He told the hubs that I was stressed out and we needed to get out. My 16 year old was cognizant of my feelings. He took care of planning it so I had no clue.

We had an hour out… no kids, no phones, no interruptions. We got to see our boy working and enjoying it. He even picked out dessert and plated it himself for us.

I felt relief as this last week mentally was hell for me. I realize he does listen and care.

Love you Leo!!

… CRICKETS…

Sorry for the crickets on my blog lately. Been pre-occupied with my real life issues… insomnia, depression, feelings of failure, and body issues like my right shoulder & rotator tears.

I just wanted to say, I’m here and alive.

Oh, a She-Ra conversation from 345 am today: Daddy, my feet hurt when I walk on them. (She just stood up in the crib where my hubs put her)

Hubs: It’s too early to be awake so go back to sleep and your feet won’t hurt.

She-ra: **lays back down**

Well, I should try and sleep too!! Night!!

Recognition

Sometimes all you need is recognition to ensure that you are valued, wanted and important.

My love language is just that. I want the words and acknowledgement from my employer & colleagues, clients & support staff.

So why bring this up? I’m contemplating a huge change because of my child care situation but most importantly because of my need being unmet in my love language.

Well Summer, how can that be?

I have been employed for 7.5 years with the same company. I have been on current position for about 6.5 years. I can’t grow here and it sucks.

Finally, the position I was eyeing opened for a management position in 4 locations in the last 4-5 years. The first was about an hour away which went to the peer with the same title I have within that program. Well, another opened and I didn’t feel I wanted that commute especially in the winter, so I didn’t apply. However again they hired my peer with the same title for the position. Then a new office opened and I was able to apply & get passed over for someone with more time in the field but not company. So the 4th time it was my home program and I felt good about the interview but this time my coworker with no supervisory title was chosen.

Now I know companies change and such but to give your all and see not 1, not 2, but 3 of those positions vacated within 1 -3 years not for positions within the company but other entities and of those who held those positions were rewarded with lots of recognition for their hardwork. It burns you.

Maybe it’s a pity party for one and I should clean it up, but I do wish that for once I was the one getting company recognition for my work and diligence… instead I feel at rock bottom…

Depressed, again….

Life definitely is playing games on me. From debt and stress to having my pride lowered to ask for help.

I’m not one who wants to let the world know we are struggling but knowing it’s my reality. I have to let my guard down & be humble.

I was humiliated because I had to do this. I pride myself on being strong, independent and knowing what needs done. Reality, I need to be humble. I need to know when to reach out and ask for help. Even, and especially, when you have kept the prideful front that you can do it all yourself.

I get in ruts with my depression. I spend money and I say “This is my spending money” or excuse my spending because “It’s for the girls” or “We need…” but really it’s my behavior when I get depressed. I see the cycles and know it deep down but I cannot break out of it.

So now I feel like I have helped in a big way with our debt issues, not acknowledging that I am a factor. It’s not that we don’t have a dual income, direct deposit for our house to be paid monthly, or that we have 2 cars that are paid off. I cannot say its because of the children.

I can say it’s a habit my depressed self gets in. I need help when I get to this point yet never want to admit or acknowledge that I’m causing personal problem with finances.

So when I go on a tangent, I hope that I can remember to go to my hubs first so we can resolve it before it’s a huge financial burden and we despise one another.